I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
my poor anus
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
