She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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