I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
