Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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