New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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