my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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