At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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