Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
