This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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