I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
