Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm always down for nudity.
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