My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
