Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
well you can't waste a boner
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
