she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
dude. I can hear the air.
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