i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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