Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
