I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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