i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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