you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
