Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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