i was born a porn star she said
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
