He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
