Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
