The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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