So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
