So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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