Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
