I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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