someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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