At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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