Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
