Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
