I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
