it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
