i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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