Don't make out with my wife yet
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
