ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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