im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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