omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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