I wish I could teleport
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
