Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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