drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
