Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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