I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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