Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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