Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
