you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
