My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
