did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
