There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
