I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
