she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
