I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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